Uncovering the Truth About Your Codependence: A Review of Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

The words “codependency” and “codependent” are becoming more commonly used to describe a person who has an intense drive toward people-pleasing, often to their own detriment.  Increasing numbers of therapists are advertising themselves as experts on codependence, and individuals are self-identifying with the team more readily.  But what does this term mean? 

Pia Mellody, the author of Facing Codependence, defines codependence as a series of symptoms that indicate an intense focus on controlling relationships and a lack of awareness of the self, both of which have likely been perpetuated by abusive situations in the past.  These symptoms include difficulties with, “experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, owning and expressing their own reality, taking care of their adult needs and wants, and experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.”

While codependence is a common topic in addiction recovery circles, I believe that many people, including addicts, recovering partners, and those without an addiction history may struggle with some forms of codependency perpetuated by their experiences in family-of-origin or even in our culture as a whole.

In Betrayed Partners

Codependence has been used synonymously with “co-addiction,” proposed to be the illness partners of addicts experienced as an addiction to their addicted partner.  Fortunately, there has been a movement away from this labeling, as it can inadvertently blame the betrayed partner for the addict’s behavior.  Yet for many individuals whose behaviors led them to be labeled as “co-addicts,” more subtle forms of codependence were likely at play.  Codependence symptoms such as low self-esteem, difficulty moderating emotions, and trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries can all show up in traumatized partners.

While not all betrayed partners are also codependents, the symptoms associated with codependence can exacerbate the experience of pain and trauma of being betrayed.  The origins of codependence symptoms originate in family-of-origin trauma and painful experiences in childhood.  It may be helpful for partners to explore the symptoms of codependence and discern whether or not they occur and/or have roots in family-of-origin trauma.

In Addicts

Addicts are likely to have codependence as a factor that led them to addiction in the first place.  Often addicts have a history of abuse or trauma, which leads to maladaptive coping through addiction.  In order to deal with the pain of the past trauma, addicts turn to their drug of choice, masking the intolerable reality of the abuse they experienced.  In sex addiction, for example, sexual connection is used to manage this emotional state, which inhibits true intimacy and creates an unhealthy dependence on sexual experiences to feel “okay.” 

Symptoms of codependence that are relevant to addicts include difficulty setting boundaries, inability to meet needs and wants in healthy ways, and difficulty owning and expressing their own reality.  These can show up in deception and denial.  Boundarylessness leads to justification of their actions.  Sometimes self-esteem issues can show up as arrogance or grandiosity instead of low self-esteem, which fuels addictive behavior through entitlement and minimization.

What about you?

Do you struggle with codependency?  Whether you are an addict or betrayed partner, it may be beneficial to review common symptoms of codependency in a codependency assessment or through reading Pia Mellody’s book Facing Codependence. 

Facing Codependence

Pia Mellody’s extensive research in treating codependency, as well as her own experience recovering from it, has equipped her well to share information about codependence and the first steps toward healing.  Facing Codependence includes practical information about the disease and wraps up with where to start in recovery.  It incorporates awareness of how codependence correlates with addictive behaviors, and how recovery programs can help.  She normalizes the experience of codependency through many examples, both personal and clinical.

Often one of the hardest tasks for codependents is facing up to their past.  One element that they find challenging is labeling parents’ or others’ behaviors as “good” or “bad.”  However, Mellody’s facilitates this exploration through encouraging the label of “functional” and “dysfunctional” behaviors instead.  She also addresses misgivings people have about calling their parents to account for their mistakes because they need to defend or minimize their own mistakes with their children.  Instead, Mellody tells codependents that the best gift they can give their children is working their own personal recovery, and that without acknowledging their own hurt, they will be unable to create lasting change in their families.

“In a functional family the members know that EVERYBODY is imperfect.”

— Pia Mellody

While this book doesn’t get into a full recovery program, it does offer some beginning steps and points toward an additional resource Mellody has put out, a companion workbook called Breaking Free.

Why I Recommend This Book

More comprehensive review of symptoms of codependence

As listed earlier, the symptoms of codependence include difficulty with appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting boundaries, owning your own reality, meeting wants and needs appropriately, and expressing reality moderately.  Mellody gives deeper descriptions of these symptoms with in-depth explorations of their consequences and origins.  She also explores experiences that hint at these symptoms, such as high intensity of emotion or complete lack of emotion, as signs of codependence.

Understanding these symptoms can be incredibly normalizing for you, as you explore how they developed and know that you are not alone in facing them.

Includes less-than-nurturing experiences

To further normalize your experience, Mellody broadens the definition of abuse to include any “less-than-nurturing” behavior your family or others may have displayed.  This helps those who haven’t had any serious or extreme abuse understand the presence of their codependence symptoms.  Mellody includes not only signs of overt abuse, but also neglect or other covert abuse behaviors that may have been at play.

For many people, taking a critical look at their family-of-origin and harm they may have experienced is nearly impossible, as they prefer to believe they had a “normal” or “good” childhood.  This is where the language of functional and dysfunctional behaviors comes in handy, rather than labeling them as “good vs. bad” behaviors. 

“...looking at our histories, identifying the specific incidents about which we had our original overwhelming feelings, and finding a way to own and release those feelings can bring freedom from the sabotaging cycle that makes our lives so unmanageable and painful.”

— Pia Mellody

Prepares you to explore your own history

In advance of outlining various types and examples of abuse, Mellody warns the reader about defense mechanisms that arise to protect against facing up to the reality of what happened to us.  Exploring these defense mechanisms first encourages more openness to understanding where your story fits within these categories. 

She names and defines such defenses as denial, minimization, repression, and dissociation and expresses how they protect you from facing the realities of your past.  This prepares you to delve into your own history with awareness of how you might protect yourself against looking at the truth.

Encourages exploration of your story

Mellody describes five different categories of abuse: physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual abuse.  In these chapters, she gives a variety of examples and invites you to consider your own experience in comparison.  She emphasizes the need to explore this history, not as a way to dump all the blame onto your past, but to allow parents or caregivers to be accountable for their actions, as well as encouraging your own accountability for present-day behaviors.

Mellody identifies how these less-than-nurturing experiences have influenced your feelings of shame, motivated by what she calls the “shame core.”  Shame can be helpful in that it reminds us of our imperfections and fallibility.  But when caregivers act in shameful or abusive ways toward children and don’t take accountability for those actions, they can pass along that shame as “carried shame” into children, leading to repetition of abusive patterns.

An interesting claim Mellody asserts is that all abuse is spiritual abuse because of the impact it has on relationship with God, or a Higher Power.  For those who are Christian, this can be an eye-opening experience of why it has been difficult to trust God or believe certain truths about Him.  Also, for those in recovery, it can explain why surrendering to a Higher Power feels impossible.

First steps to recovery

In the last chapter of the book, Mellody lays out some basic, practical tools to get started in your recovery journey.  These early steps include such actions as getting involved in a 12 Step group, finding a sponsor, working the 12 Steps, and finding a counselor with an understanding of codependence.  While this isn’t a comprehensive recovery plan, she does point to the companion workbook Breaking Free to provide a more in-depth approach.

Getting involved in a supportive recovery community and using resources to work through the 12 Steps can help you put action steps into practice that will actually change your experience.  This will allow you to begin to set healthy boundaries, which are essential to recovery from codependency.  Your work in these groups will also encourage and help you to look for ways to re-parent yourself so that you can change the ingrained patterns of thought and behavior from the trauma.

Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence is a great starting point that I would recommend to identify and begin to explore your own codependence, as well as point you in the direction of some tools and resources to continue on your journey of healing.

How Enduring Vulnerabilities Are Affecting Your Marriage

Have you ever had an intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t warrant it?  If you haven’t noticed this in yourself, is this something you’ve seen happen in your partner while you’re in a disagreement?

What about when you get into an argument with your spouse, but later on, neither of you are able to remember how the argument began or what made you so angry in the first place?  Often it can feel like it began over something silly that escalated out of control within minutes.

When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.

What are enduring vulnerabilities?

The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA.  It references past experiences in relationships, your family-or-origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.

For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years.  When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. 

Often these vulnerabilities stem from attachment wounds.  Attachment wounds occur when a primary caregiver in your childhood was not a safe or secure base for you.  You project those attachment wounds on your partner because they are now the closest attachment figure in your life.

Enduring vulnerabilities are unique to all people and are often the source of these unexpected emotional reactions.   In order to understand how they impact you, you must practice self-reflection and awareness of the current situation in order to put them into context.

How do enduring vulnerabilities impact couples?

Major arguments that happen in relationships are often fueled by these enduring vulnerabilities.  Something your spouse says or does reminds you of someone else or a past trauma, and you react as if you are right back in that trauma.

Sometimes, enduring vulnerabilities are worsened by actual harm done in your marriage.  When your partner makes a critical or contemptuous comment to you, it can intensify an enduring vulnerability that already exists.  If you have experienced betrayal in your marriage relationship, new vulnerabilities may form as your primary adult attachment figure now feels unsafe.

How can couples use enduring vulnerabilities to grow closer?

There is an upside to these enduring vulnerabilities, however.  John Gottman, in his research on couples, recognized that arguments provide an opportunity for couples to grow in intimacy as they get to know one another’s enduring vulnerabilities.  Understanding one another’s stories will allow you to increase your empathy in responding and caring for one another in your marriage.

Recognize them.

When you find yourself reacting strongly to an interaction with your spouse, take some time to self-reflect.  What was the most challenging part of the conversation for you?  Why do you think it was the most challenging? Ask yourself what the interaction reminded you of. What situations in the past may have set you up to feel the way you did?

Pay attention to the physical sensations that arose in your body, the emotions you were feeling, and the thoughts that were running through your mind.  Let your mind float back to similar experiences in your life. These memories may be the key to uncovering why you responded so strongly to your partner’s actions or words.

Talk about them with your partner.

After some time has passed post-argument and tensions have lowered, share what you felt particularly sensitive to about that argument and how it relates to what you now know about your enduring vulnerabilities.  Be sure to talk about your own experience using the talking formula rather than offering criticism or contempt about your spouse.

If your spouse is sharing their enduring vulnerabilities with you, listen to them.  Ask open-ended questions to understand more of their story.  Offer validation and empathy to show that you understand how what happened in the present must have been difficult for them, based on what they experienced in the past.

Conversations about enduring vulnerabilities can help you know one another more deeply and connect on a more significant level.  They create a stronger sense of intimacy as you begin to know one another’s stories and experience empathy and understanding.

Create a plan for situations like these in the future.

As a couple, you can decide how you want to approach these enduring vulnerabilities when they inevitably arise in your relationship again.  

It is important for the spouse who has the enduring vulnerability to take responsibility for their personal emotions, rather than blaming their reaction on their partner.  It may require them to do their own work in counseling or elsewhere to identify when enduring vulnerabilities arise and options for changing their automatic reaction to them.  This is especially important when that enduring vulnerability is impacted by a more serious mental health concern such as depression, PTSD, addiction, or others.

At the same time, the spouse who is not affected by that vulnerability can choose to adapt their approach in these conversations to lovingly support their spouse and avoid known triggers related to that vulnerability.  For example, if one of your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities comes from being called “stupid” frequently by a verbally abusive parent, you might intentionally avoid using that word to describe them or choose to affirm their competence in challenging situations.

In order to avoid codependency and attempts at mind-reading, have a conversation with your spouse about what would be supportive to them when they are experiencing an enduring vulnerability.  Allow your spouse to make requests of what they would prefer, and consider if you are willing to offer support in that way.

Have patience with the process.

Understanding your own and your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities is not an overnight process.  It takes time to fully understand how your unique stories and past experiences play into your interactions with one another, and often there will be some trial-and-error before you find the best ways to support one another.  Give yourself grace in this period of learning.

Know also that frequently couples have enduring vulnerabilities that intensify one another when they occur.  For example, he feels hurt when she walks away from the conversation out of fear of abandonment, but she feels scared when he comes after her due to her past history of abuse.  Recognizing and talking about these together can help you have more empathy for one another and grow into different approaches that work for your unique marriage.

Why You Do What You Do: Using the Tree Model to Understand Your Behaviors

If you’re ever noticed yourself caught in destructive cycles of behavior or dysfunctional thought patterns and not understood how to stop, you’re probably like most of us.  Maybe you’ve found yourself in one of these situations:

• You’re noticing negative and critical thoughts about yourself and wondering where they’re coming from.

• You wonder why you can’t seem to maintain a solid friendship or romantic relationship.

• The intense pressure and fear you feel around being perfect plagues you.

• You find yourself struggling with eating and body image, no matter what solution you try.

• You’re constantly feeling taken advantage of by others.

• You’re dealing with an addiction that feels impossible to understand.

When you don’t have a framework to understand why you do what you do, it can feel like you’re flailing in search of an answer.  You might have tried solution after solution, finding that none of them seem to stick.  Or instead, you put your head in the sand and pretend like you don’t have any problems.  Often, we blame other people or circumstances for these behaviors or thoughts, which only keeps us trapped in the vicious cycle that got us there in the first place.

There’s a reason you do what you do, even if you haven’t fully uncovered it yet.  Often our behaviors stem from unconscious forces at work within us that are influenced by experiences in our early life, like trauma in our family-of-origin or experiences growing up that taught us certain lessons in life.  These can be positive or negative behaviors that were modeled or experienced.  They seem “normal” at the time, because you don’t know any different until you’re in a situation where someone has a different perspective.

Let’s use the image of a tree as a reference point to help us make sense out of these destructive cycles.  (I am indebted to the Harvest USA Tree Model outlined in their book Sexual Sanity for Women for inspiring this imagery).

The Tree Model

Imagine an image of an apple tree.  Your eyes are drawn to the red, plump fruit hanging from the branches. But what distinguishes a tree that produces good, healthy fruit from one that produces sickly or diseased fruit?  Much of that has to do with the health of the soil, the roots, and the inside of the tree itself: things that we cannot see or touch, but that have essential roles in the growth of a tree.

The Fruit

Let’s start with the fruit.  The fruit of the tree represents the results we see in our lives.  These are visible and external.  Good or healthy fruit may signify areas that are going well in our lives.  But fruit can also be negative: problems or issues we can’t seem to shake.  These are hard to miss when they cause us distress or pain.  Any of the situations mentioned at the beginning of this article would be categorized as fruit.

What results are you seeing in your life with which you are dissatisfied?  What do you want to be different?

The Branches

The branches that produce the fruit are the actions we take in our lives that contribute to the results we like or don’t like.  Leaves or other branches may obscure some of these, signifying that you might not be aware of some of these behaviors.  At the very least, you may not know why you do these behaviors until we explore more deeply. 

Which of your behaviors make this problem or issue worse?  Are there behaviors that you’ve tried to use to solve the problem, but they’ve failed?

The Trunk

Tree trunks include a core with rings showing layers that have grown over the course of time.  In our model, the trunk represents the core beliefs and emotions that motivate the actions that spill out onto the branches.  These might be beliefs you have about yourself, others, God, or the world around you that influence your behavior.  Paying attention to the thoughts going through your mind when you’re engaging in your “branches” behaviors might shed some light on these core beliefs.

What do you believe about yourself when you’re dealing with this problem?  What is the narrative you make up as to why your attempts to change haven’t worked?

The Roots

Roots reach down into the soil to get nourishment and strength, which in turn, feed the trunk.  Our roots represent legitimate desires or needs that were either met or not met and have influenced our core beliefs.  These legitimate desires become problematic when they take primary importance over everything else in your life or when you seek to meet them through unhealthy practices.  False intimacy experienced through sex and love addiction rather than fostering healthy (and often more difficulty) intimacy with a spouse or friend is one example of this. 

You might struggle to see your desires as legitimate, particularly when they feel self-focused or destructive. But I believe all desires are legitimate when they get down to their core.  Let’s say you desire to be rich.  When we explore the “why” behind that desire, we may find that growing up in poverty, you associated wealth with security and safety.  Being rich represents an experience of feeling safe.  Therefore, the true desire underneath is the desire for security and safety.

What core desire or desires underly your behaviors and results?  What are you hoping for, at your core?

The Soil

Finally, the soil, which provides nourishment for the tree, represents circumstances or people in your past that have answered your desires in healthy or unhealthy ways.  Often these are things you cannot control, as in other people, your inborn personality or body type, influences from media or the church, trauma, or other cultural messages.  This soil formulates the lens through which you view yourself, others, and the world.

While we cannot blame these external factors for our current behaviors, it is important to acknowledge their influence and normalize where our core beliefs were solidified by these experiences.

What experiences and perspectives from your past inform the problem you’re dealing with today?  What messages have you received that have impacted your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world?

Making it Personal

How do I apply this tree model to my own life?

First, take something that is going well in your life and trace it backwards, starting with the fruit.  Identify what actions contribute to that particular circumstance or experience.  Notice what thoughts or emotions led you to those actions.  Identify the desires you are meeting.  Pay attention to what circumstance or person taught you to meet your desire in that way.

Now repeat the same process with a problem or issue.  Here are a few examples to help you get started:

Positive Example

• Fruit: A good friendship

• Branches: Spending time with one another regularly, having fun together

• Trunk: Friendships are important to my well-being.  I’m capable of making friends.  I feel love and comfort when I’m around my friend.

• Roots: desires for connection and closeness

• Soil: I always saw my mother relying on her friends when she was stressed or having a hard time.  I learned that habit from her.

Problem Example

• Fruit: I can’t stay in a romantic relationship.  I find myself getting bored quickly.

• Branches: I seek out dating and the rush or the beginning of the relationship.  But after we’ve been dating for a while, I get bored and then end the relationship.

• Trunk: I’m no good at relationships.  I’m incapable of making a healthy relationship work.  I feel shame and guilt.

• Roots: desire to be loved and wanted

• Soil: My father was an alcoholic and often chose the drama of his addiction over loving his family.  I learned that I wasn’t worth quitting and addiction for, no matter how hard I tried to make him love me.

Remember, just as is the case with actual trees, you might find several different branches, roots, and influences from the soil that create the fruit you’re producing in this area.  Often I bring in a second metaphor here: the spiral staircase of healing.  You might come across the same issue from multiple angles, just like you would if you were climbing a spiral staircase.  But you have a different perspective on it each time you move forward.

As you explore these roots, this forms the foundation of change: change in your thinking patterns, releasing old trauma, and diagnosing the issue so you know how best to address what’s at the core.  This is significantly better than just attempting to fix the fruit.  If you get at the roots and trunk and change what’s happening there, the fruit will follow.

Recognizing Codependency: A Codependency Quiz

The term “codependent” has been used often within addiction and the mental health world to describe someone whose identity or sense of self is wrapped up in another person.  But this term has had its fair share of misuse and controversy.

In addiction literature, “codependency” became synonymous with “co-addiction”.  Co-addiction suggests that the partner of an addict is addicted to the relationship with the addict, which enables the addict and allows him or her to continue their addictive behavior.  Labeling the partner as a co-addict gave them a disproportionate amount of blame for the addict’s choices.  It caused many partners to feel that their stories were invalidated.  Because of this, addiction literature has shifted to recognize partners’ experience in relationship with addicts as traumatic and avoid using labels such as codependent .

Unfortunately, this response neglects the reality of some people’s true experience of codependency.  Codependency can happen in the context of a relationship with an addict or not.  It can also happen with a child who is rebelling or making poor choices.  It could happen in friendships or work relationships.  It can happen in your church or other places you volunteer or give your time and energy.

What is codependency?

According to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, a codependent person is “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”  He or she becomes overly involved and entangled in the lives of others, to the detriment of their own well being.  A codependent person often has high needs for affection and care with corresponding devastation when they feel they aren’t receiving them.

Codependent individuals lose themselves in others.  They misplace their identity and unique personality in the search to find another person to “complete” them.  Their relationships are often one-sided, as evidenced by a tendency to try everything to save relationships that are destructive.  Codependent people feel they can save others through their compassionate help and care, but are disappointed when their attempts to fix or “support” are met with resistance, and their well-being suffers as a result.

Pia Mellody, another clinician who writes on codependency in her book Facing Codependence: What it Is, Where it Comes From, How it Sabotages Our Lives, talks about failure to set appropriate boundaries as a hallmark of codependency.  You might see this as taking on too much responsibility for the well-being of others and feeling guilty when attempts to help fall through.  She shares insights into the origins of codependency in her book, indicating that often this stems from codependency in your family-of-origin.

A Codependency Quiz

Read through the questions below and answer yes or no to determine if you might struggle with codependency.

• Do you tend to doubt yourself and feel insecure, even in areas where you have experience and know what you’re doing?

• Do you struggle to say “no” to requests even when you don’t have the time or energy to carry them out?

• Do you let people too close to you, only to feel betrayed when they disappoint or hurt you?

• Do you find yourself pushing people away to protect yourself?

• Do you have a hard time recognizing your own emotions or thoughts?

• Do you struggle to identify your own needs?

• Do you spend excessive amounts of time and energy on others at the expense of meeting your own needs?

• Have others described you as “too needy” in relationships?

• Do you have intense emotional reactions to conflict in your relationships?

• In relationships, do you often feel that you are the only one making a sacrifice to meet your partner’s needs?

• Do you find your personal worth or value in how others see you?

• Are you constantly striving to prove yourself to others?

• Do you tend to overanalyze and obsess over mistakes you’ve made in relationships?

• Do you find yourself thinking, “if only this other person would change, everything in my life would be better?”

• Do you feel a strong need to be loved, affirmed, and desired that causes problems in relationships?

• Do you notice yourself using passive-aggressive statements to get your needs met?

• Do you find yourself trying to “fix” others?

• Do you have a hard time trusting others?

• Do you struggle with intense outbursts of anger or irritability?

• Do you feel ambivalence toward intimacy: a desire to be close to others, but also a fear of what it means to be close?

• Do you try to make everyone else around you happy, even though you feel miserable?

• Do you feel overcome with shame and/or guilt when someone offers you constructive feedback?

If you’ve answered five or more of these questions with “yes,” you may be dealing with codependent tendencies in your life.  Reach out to a licensed counselor to talk more about your responses and get help.

Resources for Codependency

In the meantime, you may be interested in learning more about codependency.  Here are a few books I’d recommend if you’re interested in learning more, seeing if you identify with any codependent tendencies, and beginning the process of healing.

• Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody (also has a workbook)

• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie (also has a workbook)

• The Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody

• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

• Conquering Codependency: A Christ-Centered 12-Step Process by Pat Springle

Learning to Be Yourself Again: A Review of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

If you’ve been the spouse, child, sibling, or in another connected relationship with an addict, you know the havoc it can wreak on your sense of self and peace.  It can affect your self-esteem and make you feel like you’re crazy or out of control.  You may begin to feel like your life is dictated by the addict’s using and your efforts to manage the aftermath of his or her addiction.

With sex and love addiction, particularly for spouses of the addicts, this takes its own unique toll.  Partners can feel responsible for their spouse’s behaviors because the issue is sexual.  Sometimes addicts will blame their spouses for “not getting it at home,” so they seek sex out elsewhere.  Even if the addict isn’t blaming the spouse, he or she may still deal with insecurity about body image, sexuality, worth, and value.  This can lead to behaviors that could be deemed codependent.

What is codependency?

Codependency, or co-addiction, is the name derived from early models of helping those married to addicts.  Codependency is a word that describes dysfunctional relationships where there is an over-dependence on another individual to provide you with security, safety, sense of self, or value.  It involves losing yourself in someone else.

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

— Melody Beattie

Unfortunately, in recent years, codependency has gotten a bad reputation. Spouses felt blamed or held responsible for their spouse’s acting out, as this communicated they had to change for their spouse to stop using. This does not sufficiently address the reality of the trauma caused by a significant other’s addiction.  While codependency may exist for some of these individuals, the pain of the trauma needs to be addressed and healed before looking at the possibility of codependency.

Codependency is still worth exploring, however, because it can shed light on how behaviors can change as a result of trauma.  Understanding codependency can help men and women feel empowered to change their lives through understanding the dynamics of control in a relationship.  In particular, if you find yourself in these types of relationships repeatedly, it is beneficial to take a look at some of these characteristics and see if you might benefit from a change.

Codependent No More

Melody Beattie, the author of the book Codependent No More*, began writing about codependency in 1986 when there were very few resources available to the public about codependency.  Her pioneering work in the study and treatment of codependence has paved the way for healing for many spouses and significant others of addicts.  This book and its corresponding workbook* have helped many men and women learn the skills they need to overcome codependency and learn the skills to take care of themselves. 

What I’ve Learned

You don’t need to define yourself as “codependent” or find yourself in an addictive relationship to benefit from the lessons of this book.  If you are in these types of relationships, however, or if you are a partner of a sex and love addict, then the following words will have particular resonance for you.

The only person you are in control of is yourself.

This is one of the hardest lessons to live by practically.  You know what’s best for others and you want to help them see what you see, but often that leads to controlling behaviors and obsessive thoughts.  Detach from the problems you aren’t in control over and allow yourself to focus only on those circumstances that are within your control.

“When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled.”

— Melody Beattie

Understanding your own emotions is key.

Often in codependency, you can become reactive and not always know what’s triggering your anger.  Understanding the variety of emotional experiences you are having can help you learn more adaptive ways of coping.  Know that your emotions are not bad in themselves: how you react to them can have negative consequences, but welcome your emotions as indicators that something is not right. Explore how your ability to name and feeling emotions has been impacted by past trauma, either from your family-of-origin or from your relationship with an addict or other dysfunctional individual.

Moving from victim to victorious empowers you to make the best choices for yourself.

Viewing oneself as a victim of circumstance or of the addict is often justified in some way, but it keeps you feeling trapped and hopeless rather than empowered to change.  You might feel paralysis because you don’t think you have the power to make decisions to take care of yourself.  In her book Moving Beyond Betrayal*, Vicki Tidwell Palmer identifies the importance of both communicating needs and setting boundaries to get your needs met.

“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to attend to our own affairs.”

— Melody Beattie

Notice when you’re feeling like a victim and/or your needs aren’t being met and explore that further.  What might be leading you to feel that way?  What ways might you be acting in a way that reinforces the message that you are a victim (ie. through rescuing or enabling)?  What are your needs?  Can you meet them on your own or do you need help?

Break the value-based messages of shame, being “good enough,” or faulty Christian teaching.

Codependent thoughts and behaviors can be intensified by feelings of shame.  Perhaps you learned lessons as a child that you were only valuable or given attention when you served others. It could be that denying your own needs and caregiving was how you demonstrated that you were a true Christian.  The Biblical truth of serving others may have been twisted such that you think you ought to accept abuse and harm without complaint because that’s the “Christian” thing to do.

Identify what messages of shame are driving your tendency to care more for others than for yourself, whether coming from your faith background or from family relationships.  Understand how those are influencing your present day and seek to affirm the reality of your value outside of what you can give to others.

Self-care is more than just a trend.

Beattie defines self-care as an attitude or perspective toward yourself and your life that reminds you that you are responsible for yourself and your own well-being.  It is a reminder that you cannot depend on the object of your obsession to take care of you perfectly and without fault.  Self-care involves kindness and grace toward yourself with corresponding loving actions.

Practice self-acceptance and remind yourself that you are okay in this present moment.  Identify your needs and set goals for self-care to learn that you are capable of making decisions to care for yourself.  Include fun and play in your self-care as you get to know the inner child within you that may have been harmed by past caregivers.  Exercise and take care of your physical health for the added mental health benefits.

Acceptance doesn’t mean settling.

Practicing acceptance is a helpful add-on to releasing control of others.  When you acknowledge that you are the only person you can control, it requires you to admit that you are powerless over others’ behaviors.  But acceptance doesn’t mean you have to be okay with the way things are.  Instead, use acceptance to acknowledge the truth of where you are right now and assess the reality of what it will take to change.  Practicing acceptance is for you, not the other person, because it allows you to experience peace.  It may require moving through stages of grief before you can adequately feel acceptance.  Meet with a trusted friend or counselor to help you move through this grief to a place of acceptance. 

Step Ten: Journey Through the Twelve Steps

This year, we have a monthly series discussing ways to engage and work each of the Twelve Steps.  Stemming from the Alcoholics Anonymous tradition, the Twelve Steps have made their way into the treatment of many addictive behaviors.  My specific focus will be on sex and love addiction, particularly in Christian women.  If you’re interested in finding an in-person, online, or phone meeting for sex and love addiction, check out Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Before you read this post, check out my introduction to the Twelve Steps to learn about support and resources.

Step Ten: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step Ten is all about living out your recovery day-by-day.  In fact, this step is often referred to as making your life a “living amends.”  In recovery, it is not enough just to walk through the steps once, complete them, and then say you are done.  Step Ten is about living each day differently as a result of the work you’ve done, making a conscious commitment to change, honesty, and authenticity.

Personally, this requires you to pursue self-care and healthier ways of coping.  You will be more conscious of your character flaws and the path you’ve slid into before that’s led to your addiction.  Step Ten also involves being conscious of when you are wrong and admitting it, both to yourself and others.  This requires humility and self-awareness.  In your relationships where you’ve caused harm, including with significant others, this involves the slow process of rebuilding trust. 

Step Ten requires balance, integrating all of your life into your conscious awareness so you can eliminate chaos.  A common phrase in addiction recovery is that addiction thrives in chaos: the less chaotic and more mindful your life becomes, the easier it will be to work your recovery.

 In Patrick Carnes’ book Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps*, he talks about the difference between partial, convenient recovery and inconvenient, or full, recovery.  Full recovery involves knowing that recovery is a constant process that continues past completion of the 12 Steps.  It involves acknowledging that you are a human in process, imperfect and flawed but seeking to grow.

How to Work Step Ten

Keep consistent commitment to your recovery activities.

Maintain connection to your 12 Step group and your sponsor as you continue to take evaluation of your flaws.  It might involve asking others, like your sponsor or 12 Step group members, to speak up when they see areas where you might be wrong.  However, this will only work if you are willing to accept it.

Not only do you need to acknowledge these flaws to yourself, but you also must continue to be open and authentic about feelings and motivations, rather than holding them under a façade of having it all together. This is a huge trust-building skill in relationships, and can be a key factor in maintaining sobriety.

Remain in the present as you hold tension between the past and the future.

We’ve talked about the Stocksdale paradox before, which encourages you to face the challenge of your addiction both by knowing how bad it was while also having a clear vision and hope for the future.  However, focusing too much on the past or the future prevents you from enjoying the present moment and creating awareness of your daily life.

This step involves remaining present to what’s happening in the moment, rather than detaching through using addictive behaviors, fantasy, or delusional thinking.  It requires staying connected to your adult self rather than responding out of childhood wounds.

Create a personal care index.

Patrick Carnes created an exercise in Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps* that I find incredibly helpful in thinking of taking a daily personal inventory.  He calls it the Personal Craziness Index, but I prefer Staci Sprout’s re-envisioning of it as a Personal Care Index.  This exercise involves exploring 12 different areas of your life for indicators that you’re not working your best recovery and/or what needs to be taking place for your life to have balance.  Signs might be as simple as not making your bed in the morning or forgetting to eat. 

This is a simple and powerful way to take a daily inventory and observe your risk factors for slipping back into addiction.  Take some time to work through the different areas that indicate you are succeeding or struggling in daily life and use the tracking system to monitor how these are affecting your daily life and recovery.

Do a daily examen or quiet time.

For many Christians, a daily quiet time of Scripture reading and reflection is a regular part of spiritual practice.  But whether you come from a faith background or not, having a regular time to meditate daily can be a helpful practice to integrate into your recovery.  There are several books of devotionals or meditations that can be helpful for recovery, such as:

• The Language of Letting Go* by Mellody Beattie

• More Language of Letting Go* by Mellody Beattie

• Day by Day: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts*

• Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction*

• Voices of Recovery – Meditations on Steps and Traditions

Another great practice to adopt is a daily examen of consciousness.  Essentially, an examen of consciousness is an intentional time set up at the end of each day to review the previous day, what went well and what didn’t, acknowledge where you felt the presence or absence of God, and seek change for the next day. This can involve prayer and confession as well.

Observe your intense emotional reactions and examine them.

As you’ve been walking through your recovery, you’ve likely become more aware of your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.  Now that you’ve removed the addiction that previously allowed you to feel numb, your emotional capacity will increase.  You’ll have strong emotional reactions that are unexpected or confusing, simply because they are unfamiliar and you aren’t sure about their origins.  Take time with your sponsor, a therapist, or a trusted friend to talk through strong emotional reactions and what triggers from your past or childhood wounds they might involve.

Learn new ways to communicate apologies or hurt.

The last part of this step involves promptly admitting hurts or wrongs we’ve committed.  Apologizing can feel like speaking a foreign language when your addiction has taught you to use lies or cover-ups to hide behaviors, rather than bringing them out into the open.  Approach daily apologies or amends like you would learning a new language: test them out, expect to feel awkward at first, and be open to adapting the apologies once you’ve tried out a few methods.  Talk with people in your life who have worked through this step, or practice with your therapist or sponsor.