Defusion of Distressing Thoughts: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

How many thoughts would you guess pass through your mind in a single day? Let’s imagine you’re out to eat with a friend.  Even with your best intentions to stay present and listen, there’s a running commentary going on in your mind.  What are some of the thoughts you might have?  I wonder what she’s thinking of me.  Should I have said that?  I sound like an idiot. I’m still so angry from that meeting with my boss this morning.   He’s so overbearing and impossible to work with.  What am I forgetting from my grocery list?  I’m so forgetful, I must be losing my mind.

Needless to say, these thoughts pull you out of the moment and make it more challenging to listen. You might find yourself censoring what you say out of insecurity, comparing yourself to your friend, or even cutting your lunch date short to get back to the office quickly because you’re feeling stressed.

What’s happening?

When you find yourself stuck in your thoughts, you’re likely dealing with cognitive fusion, another destructive mental strategy that acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) addresses.  When we’re in cognitive fusion, we believe that the workings of our internal mind (thoughts, memories, images, reasoning, comparisons, etc.) are true and real, such that we allow them to influence our behaviors.  Our thought patterns have power and control over our lives and seem to make our decisions for us.

Often these thoughts include cognitive distortions, like catastrophizing or all-or-nothing thinking.  They can include negative self-talk or beliefs about yourself that you hold to tightly based on past experiences.  When we believe these things, they become self-fulfilling prophecies.  For example, our fears of being awkward contribute to social anxiety or discomfort.  We then avoid social situations to try to manage the uncomfortable feelings that coincide with them, adding to the dynamics of experiential avoidance that lead us to disengage rather than live out what is important to us.

There are several different types of cognitive fusion that we may face.  They include:

• Rules: “shoulds” for self or others, ways the world or people “ought” to work or be.  Example: People should always be kind and respectful.

• “I” stories: identity-based statements about ourselves that become self-definitions and self-fulfilling prophecies.  Example: I’m always late.

• Judgments/evaluations: beliefs about what is fair vs. unfair, good vs. bad, or right vs. wrong.  Example: It’s unfair that I keep getting passed over for the promotion.

• Meaning-making/reasons: justifying what I do or looking for the answer to the “why?” question to explain what happens.  Example: I’m single because I’m so socially awkward and unattractive.

• Worries about the past/future: overfocus on the past or anxiety about the future that pulls us out of the present moment. Example: How am I ever going to pass that exam next Friday?

• “You/They” stories/comparison: beliefs about others that become self-fulfilling prophecies, particularly as they relate to us. Example: She’s better than I am at everything.

Cognitive fusion is a problem because our thoughts and feelings then run our lives for us and toss us around at every whim of our minds.  Yes, thoughts can feel very powerful.  Memories that pop up as flashbacks, ingrained patterns of meaning that carry shame, and automatic responses that elicit strong emotions can feel crippling at times.

Yet it is important to recognize that, though these thoughts can feel powerful and real, they may not have as much power as we think.

What is defusion?

Consider the image of defusing a bomb, as in an action movie.  In order for the hero to save the day, they must somehow disconnect the power this ticking time bomb has in order to keep it from destroying its target.

Similarly, our thoughts act as ticking time bombs that can unleash an explosion of painful thoughts and emotions, followed by destructive behaviors that lead us away from our values.  We can defuse the thoughts by removing the charge that sets them off: the automatic behavioral reaction that comes after the thoughts.  We do this by observing our thoughts from a place of distance rather than getting caught up in the storm they create in our minds.

The previous two concepts we’ve discussed in this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series are essential building blocks to support this defusion.  Defusion helps us to practice acceptance to willingly encounter painful thoughts and feelings, rather than running away or avoiding experiences we find uncomfortable.  It is also essential for us to remain in the present moment in order to be aware of these thoughts from the role of an observer.

Principles

Thoughts are just thoughts.

Thoughts do not have the power to control your life.  You can have a thought come into your mind, but choose to act in a way that is different from your default response to the thought.  They do not have to control what you do.

Thoughts don’t last forever.

We find some surprising results when we pay attention to how many varied thoughts we have in a day.  To test this, sit quietly in a room with a pad of paper and write down every thought that pops into your head for 5 minutes.  When you’ve completed that list, count how many thoughts you had and multiply that number by 192 to create an estimate of how many thoughts you have in a day.  Recognizing that your thought patterns are fleeting and eventually come to an end can reduce their power.

How we relate to our thoughts is more important than the content of the thoughts.

ACT approaches thoughts differently from a traditional cognitive-behavioral approach, which places emphasis on understanding and changing the content of your automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  While reframing thoughts can be beneficial for some people, ACT theory emphasizes that our thoughts are powerful because we assign that power to them.  Rather than attempting to change a thought that may not be changed very easily, it is more effective to defuse the power of those thoughts.

This approach is helpful if you have tried to change the way you think about yourself or others for a long time, but aren’t finding those changes sticking.  Rather than continuing to try to force a change, allow the thought to be present, but reduce its power by taking an observer role and acting in accordance with your values instead.

Thoughts, emotions, meaning-making, memories, images, and other internal experiences are just products of the mind.

These internal workings don’t have any greater meaning than that.  They don’t have the power to force us to behave in any particular way, despite the fact that we may believe they do. 

At the same time, we can choose situations in which we want our thoughts to have an influence over our behaviors.  We can choose to engage the thoughts that move us more toward what is important to us.  In this way, we’re not eliminating the power of our thoughts entirely, but making an intentional decision of how much power we want to give to those thoughts.

Practices

Keep a record of your thoughts.

Listen to and track your thoughts, noticing whether they carry a positive, negative, or neutral charge.  Identify if there are any strong emotions that go alongside them.  Notice what behaviors flow naturally out of your thoughts and emotions.  Are those behaviors you want to be engaging in?  Or are they impulsive, reactive, automatic responses?  You can find a helpful tracking tool for this step here.

Affirm your role as an observer of your internal world.

After recording your thoughts, you are in a better position to recognize and notice thought patterns as they come up.  When you have a distressing, painful, or challenging thought, see what happens when you intentionally remind yourself of the phrase, “thoughts are just thoughts.”  How does it impact the power of that thought?

Similarly, you could label your internal experience as if you were an outside observer with words like, “I’m having the thought…” or “I’m having the emotion…”. Another strategy is to imagine your thoughts being played on a radio or told as a story outside of yourself.

Visualize the thoughts passing by.

Often we fixate on our thoughts, which gives them the illusion of power.  We obsess over them or attempt to stop them from coming up, which just entrenches them more deeply in our minds.  Instead, use this commonly practiced mindfulness technique: instead of trying to control, change, alter, or rid yourself of your thoughts, just notice them passing by.  Using a visual cue, like imagining thoughts like cars passing on the street or clouds floating by in the sky, can help you to allow them to pass through your awareness without giving them undue attention.  You’ll notice that your thoughts don’t need to command your focus all the time, but that they can come and go.

Write the thought down and look at it regularly.

If you notice a pattern to your distressing thoughts, such as a repeated phrase or belief that feels like it controls you, take that thought and write it down on something you can carry with you, such as a notecard or post-it note.  Throughout your day, pull out the note with your thought on it and read through it.  Notice how it feels when you look at it.  See yourself as an outside observer of that thought.

Notice how the relationship you have to the thought changes.  The words on the paper do not change, but the way you interact with them will differ at various points throughout the day.  This is a good indicator of the importance not of the content of the thought, but of how you relate to it.

Imagine a common situation influenced by this thought, but with a different outcome.

Choose this thought you’ve written on the card, another common thought pattern you’ve identified, or an image or memory that tends to impact your behaviors.  Now imagine yourself having that thought, but making a different decision about how to respond to it.  What behavior might line up better with what is important to you?  What would change?  How would an outside observer see you?  Would it be possible to act in a different way while still having the thought?

Take a risk and put your different outcome into practice.

Now put into practice this shift in behavior in response to your thought.  Release the thought using a statement like, “thoughts are just thoughts,” and take a risk to act in a way that aligns with what is important to you.  For example, if you’re in a social situation with the thought, “I’m too awkward to talk to people like them,” take a risk by engaging in conversation with one of those feared individuals.

Recognize that this will not eliminate the thoughts.  In fact, taking the risk may even intensify your discomfort.  But this practice of stepping out and making a change in your behavior while still experiencing the uncomfortable thoughts can teach you that your thoughts don’t have the power you think they do. You still have control over your own actions such that you can respond to challenging circumstances in alignment with your values.

Performance vs. Personhood: Battling Perfectionism in Finding Your Value and Worth

We live in a culture that tells us that our value and worth come from status symbols and outward signs of success.  These status markers show up in distinct ways: an expensive car, a leadership position at work, a vast number of social media followers, the approval of our friends and family, the number of hours we’ve worked in the past week, our grade point average, how many games we’ve won, how many publications our names are on…the list could go on.  Consider for yourself: what are your personal signs of success?

These symbols aren’t necessarily a bad thing in and of themselves.  Often, they signify good goals for which to strive.  But when your internal value or worth as a human being hinges upon achieving these goals or reaching a certain status marker, then you set yourself up for anxiety, pressure, discouragement, and eventual disappointment.

A mistaken belief that underlies desire for status or power is that your value or worth as a person comes from what you do or how well you do it.  Endless pursuit of these symbols of achievement without satisfaction are a hallmark of perfectionism. “Type A” personalities and prestigious academic settings with high achieving students are examples of where this mindset thrives.  People who define themselves by a certain career path or role in life can be devastated by job loss or perceived failure.

What are some signs that you might be defining yourself by your performance?

• Experiencing intense anxiety or fear around activities or situations in which you might be on display

• Feeling devastated by constructive criticism

• Excessive worry about losing your job, promotion, GPA, or position in some area of your life

• Believing that you are worthless without your status symbol

• Feelings of failure or believing that you are a failure

• Constant comparison with others where you find yourself lacking

• Staying busy doing things so you feel good about yourself, even though you’re feeling burned out and exhausted

• Trying to prove yourself in some way to others

This overemphasis on finding value or worth in what we achieve creates people who are beaten down by their life experiences, dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression that discourage them and make their attempts to achieve even more difficult.  Instead of encouraging you to improve or creating a drive to do better, the negative thought patterns that come with perfectionism and a performance-based identity lead to discouragement and a lack of motivation.

What are some of those thought patterns that are associated with placing your value and worth in your achievement and success? 

Performance-Based Belief Systems

If I can’t do this, I am bad (won’t be loved, will be rejected, will be alone).

This belief ties your identity as a person to your ability to achieve, connecting to the belief that love or respect of others will be taken away if you fail.  You may feel like all of your actions are on display to be judged and found lacking by others.  These fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to feel pressure to always do the right thing, which eventually becomes impossible.

How does he/she do it all?

Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself can lead you to see others as more competent or capable than you are. A sign of comparison to others is believing that you “should” be able to do as much as someone else and a belief that you are “less than” because you can’t.

I feel good because I was able to achieve ____.

Even though this thought looks positive at the start, it actually hints at the presence of a performance-based value or worth.  What happens if you don’t achieve that in the future?  What happens when you do fail?  Does that influence your belief in your inherent worth or value?

If I’m not a perfect (mom/employee/boss/student), then I’m worthless.

It is impossible to be perfect, and perfection does not equal worth.  Like the comparison-based belief above, this thought indicates setting a standard far above and beyond what is needed.  We all make mistakes and are imperfect as part of our nature, but that doesn’t make us worthless.

How to Respond to Performance-Based Beliefs

Focus on your personality instead of your achievements.

Instead of basing your worth on the things you do or achieve, list different aspects of your personality that you like.  This may prove difficult, as you might slip into what is familiar: listing positive things that you do.  Alternatively, you could find yourself stalling out after a short list and descend into more self-critical thinking.  Allow this process to take time, as chances are you’re not accustomed to speaking to yourself in kind and affirming language.

Shut off the comparison trap.

Limit your time on social media.  Pay attention to your thoughts about others and rather than feeling jealous or comparing yourself to them, ask yourself how you can be grateful for that person’s role in your life.  Remember that often you are comparing your insides (your doubts, fears, anxieties, perceived failures) to someone else’s outsides (what they post online).   It may be time to unfollow certain people on social media if you find that their posts stir up too much of this comparison dynamic in you.

Consider the impact of your past.

Our past experiences influence the way we view ourselves and the world around us.  How might they be influencing your thinking?  Look for moments where you first felt perfectionism or a need for success most strongly.  Why was success important for you in your past?  What happened when you didn’t succeed?  Did you have an overly critical parent, teacher, or other adult figure in your life?  How might they have influenced you?

Ask yourself how you’d treat others.

Identify people in your life who have  made mistakes, but of whom you don’t think negatively.  What makes those people different from you?  We are our own harshest critics.  In many cases, we would never talk to a friend or loved one the way we talk to ourselves.  For many of us, we wouldn’t consider seeing someone else as worthless or without value because they’ve made mistakes.

Alternatively, you might notice that you are critical or judgmental of others when they make mistakes.  Often having high standards for yourself means you expect others to meet those high standards too.  Consider how it might feel to release those standards and be free of the disappointment and anger associated with both your and others’ mistakes.

Act out of your values.

Performance-based thinking often comes with a list of “shoulds.” Living by these “shoulds” is a setup for failure, because you’ll never be able to meet them to your level of satisfaction.  The standard will constantly get higher: you may achieve one part of your “should,” but it won’t be enough.

Instead, focus on your core values.  Examples include integrity, love, health, creativity, support, generosity, personal growth, etc.  Ask yourself what is important to you at your core, not what other people think should be your values.  When you know what our personal values are, that leads the way to choose value-based actions that aren’t driven by trying to prove yourself, but instead are driven by who you are.

A Christian Perspective

If you are of the Christian faith, church involvement and service can become another way in which you tie your value to your performance.  Striving to be a “good Christian” or to “do the right thing for Jesus” might be ways these beliefs shift to meet a Christian lifestyle.

The desire to serve God by itself is not a bad thing: in its best form, it comes from wanting to respond to the love of God we have received. But other times, the motivation for this service is based in a faulty theology of God.  It sees God as a taskmaster demanding obedience, rather than a generous and kind Father who loves you so unconditionally that He will welcome you home even when you fail miserably (see Luke 15:11-32 and Romans 5:8).

Our value and worth as Christians does not come from our activities, performance, or actions.  Whenever we say we’re trying to be a “good Christian,” that denies our powerlessness to be good on our own apart from God.  We are only able to offer out of what we’ve already been given (see Ephesians 2:8-10). 

In the Christian life, our primary identity is not defined by how “good” we are or how perfectly we follow the rules.  We are first and most essentially children of God, beloved, secure, and cared for by our Father.  When that is our identity rather than what we do, we are much more likely to be at peace with ourselves and be able to act out of our values instead of trying to earn God’s favor or love.  You already have God’s favor just by being His child!  There is no more that can be done to make God love you more or less (Romans 8:38-39).

Living Out Your Values in Addiction Recovery

When you first enter recovery, it is often because you’ve come to a crisis point.  You’ve hit rock bottom in your addiction.  You’re forced to face the consequences of your behavior, like a spouse discovering your deception and threatening to divorce.  Intense feelings of depression or anxiety hit you like a wave, and you might even find yourself wanting to take your own life in the depths of your despair.

This initial motivation propelling you into recovery, however, tends to fade over time.  While attempting to stay motivated, many addicts recognize that they don’t have a strong sense of identity.  So much of who you are has been wrapped up in this addiction.  Leisure time has been spent acting out rather than on personal interests and hobbies.  Relationships have been superficial and shallow.  Perhaps your history of past trauma communicates (mostly negative) messages to you about who you are. 

Without that sense of identity, it can be challenging to determine what you value or what is important to you.  Your addiction has distorted what is important and places itself as the highest priority in your life.  When that addiction is removed through sobriety, it can feel like there is now a void in your life.  You might find yourself wondering: what does life look like after addiction?  This question often arises when you’re grieving losses associated with the consequences of your addiction, like loss of relationships, physical health, job, or financial resources.

How do I learn and live out my identity?

Staci Sprout, a fellow Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, shares that the key to developing your recovery for the long-term is identifying your vision and purpose.  The first step requires you to become more familiar with who you are.

It is essential to develop your identity in recovery because it can replace the narrative of shame you’ve lived under for so long.  Many addicts have also experienced abuse, trauma, or neglect in their childhoods that meant they weren’t celebrated for their unique personality and gifts.  If that sounds familiar to you, you may have no idea what your talents and personality are when you enter recovery, and you need to learn and celebrate your qualities that make you who you are.

When you have a more clear sense of your identity, that paves the way for you to connect with a vision for your future and a purpose to your life. 

Vision

Vision involves connecting with your “’why” – why are you committed to recovery?  Why are you making these changes in your life?  If you don’t have a clear picture of your “why,” motivation can wax and wane.

To connect with your vision, ask yourself some of the following questions:

• If you were free from the pull of addiction, what might change in your life?  What would be different?  What would you have more time to do?

• Addiction is often associated with shame and low self-esteem.  If you were free from addiction, how might you feel more confident? What effect might that confidence have on your life?

• Relationships often serve as motivators for change.  What relationships are important to you?  Who do you want to be in those relationships?

• You’re likely seeking out help from a therapist, 12 Step or support group, or even just reading books or articles online.  What do you hope to get out of those support experiences?  How will you know these have been successful for you?  What will change in your life?

• If you’ve completed a three-circle plan, ask yourself why the activities in your outer circle are important to you.  What purpose are they serving?

• What desires or wants do you have for your life?

When you answer these questions, you might begin to see a theme of values you hold.  Values include such things as family, marriage, mental health, career success, authenticity in relationships, service and volunteering, or advocating for causes that are important to you.  This leads well into the next stage, which is looking at purpose.

Purpose

Examining your purpose pushes you into a more existential frame of mind.  It requires you to ask questions like: why am I here?  What is my purpose on this earth?  What am I meant to do with this one life that I have? 

These questions can be challenging for a few reasons.  First, they put your mortality into greater focus, which can stir up challenging emotions.  Also, they are broad topics that can feel overwhelming to tackle.  If you are a person of faith, your Christian faith or other religious practices can inform your purpose, as they lead you to a sense of belonging to something greater than yourself. 

To make your purpose more practical, consider these questions:

• Use the values you identified in the above vision section and broaden then to fit your entire life.  Ask questions like: what might change about my actions if I wanted to live as if this value were my highest priority?  How might my life look different?

• If you’re involved in a 12 Step or support group, you may appreciate how others have helped you along in your recovery.  How might you want to give back?  How can your story of walking through recovery serve or help others?

• For those in middle-age or older, generativity is a major life goal – passing along the knowledge and wisdom you’ve gained.  How might you pass along this insight and wisdom to others?  How could you mentor younger adults in a similar career field, through their recovery journeys, or in their faith?

• For those who haven’t hit that generativity milestone, what life dreams have you considered or hoped for that you haven’t accomplished yet?  What might you still be able to do with the time you have left?

• What do you want others to stay about you after you’ve passed away?  What legacy do you want to leave?  How would you like to be described in a eulogy?

Exploring these questions related to life purpose can help you recognize the end goal of your sobriety and recovery work. Ultimately, your work isn’t only for you, but it is for those who will benefit after you.  By clarifying your vision and purpose for yourself, you’ll have a more clear path forward whether you are dealing with discouragement in your recovery journey or if you’ve hit a major milestone of sobriety and are looking for what’s next.

How Focus on the Essential Could Save Your Life

When you wake up in the morning, are you overwhelmed with the many tasks on your to-do list?  Maybe you’re a parent who feels stretched too thin between caring for children and keeping up with work tasks.  Or perhaps you feel under the thumb of the “tyranny of the urgent,” where every task seems to be top priority.  Maybe the things that really matter to you are slipping through the cracks.

How freeing might it be to focus on just one thing at a time?

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown* is a slim volume that helps you focus on one priority at a time instead of trying to spread your time and energy over too many tasks.  He helps you hone in on what’s important instead of what’s urgent.  He encourages trimming down on non-essential tasks in order to focus on what is truly vital to your well-being and your values.  He offers practical steps on how to define your priority, or “essential intent,” cut down on extra tasks, and create time to do what’s most important to you.

“If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.”

— Greg McKeown

Impacts from Essentialism

He shatters the expectation of multiple “priorities.”

McKeown talks about the history of how we view the word “priority.”  In the past, calling something a priority meant it was the number one thing in your life at the top of the list.

But now the meaning of the word has changed.  We have “priorities” in the plural.  When we spread our priorities over multiple areas, then everything becomes a top priority and you can’t juggle it all.  You end up failing in some areas, struggling with decision fatigue from the weight of choices between priorities, and feeling less satisfied.

Instead, McKeown suggests focusing on one “essential intent” as a top value, truly making it your top priority.  This makes decisions easier as you hold up this top priority as the main factor in making deliberate decisions.

You don’t have to do it all.

Focusing on one essential intent takes you out of the trap of “I have to do it all” and allows you to make choices that support what you value.  It can be easy to fall victim to outside circumstances or urgent tasks.  You can feel out of control and powerless to change.

In truth, you do have a choice.  You can choose to respond to that “urgent” request or stay late at work to catch up, or you can choose an alternative behavior that supports your values.  When you frame decisions as choices, you’re more likely to feel more power and control over your life.  Choices can be hard, but they put you back in the driver’s seat of your own life.

You have permission to say “no.”

It can be difficult to say “no” to urgent tasks, especially when they feel constant and demanding.  Not only does McKeown encourage you to say “no: in order to make your essential intent most important, but he also gives practical, step-by-step advice on how to say “no.” Realizing you cannot do everything and being willing to say “no: allows you to give others the opportunity to step in and showcase their own strengths or abilities. 

“I can do anything but not everything.”

— Greg McKeown

Your “no” can still be hard.

What makes saying “no” more difficult is that it involves a trade-off.  Typically we are saying “no” to something that is good in order to say “yes” to the best.  Acknowledging the reality of the trade-offs and the potential for missing out or feeling disappointed allows you to accept those feelings as normal.

How to Apply Essentialism in Daily Life

Discover what you value.

Find a time and space where you can reflect without distractions or interruptions.  Get out a journal or a pad of paper and write down a list your priorities and values.  Look through this list and identify which of those values leads you to feel truly alive.  Clarify your vision as a way to identify your essential intent.

Choose one priority to focus on for the next week.

As you reflect on this list, choose your essential intent for the upcoming week.  Let it guide your decisions.  When you’re called on to make a choice, pause and ask whether or not it supports your priority.  You might focus on family, mental health, friendships, taking care of your body, an aspect of your work – you name it.  Whichever goal you focus on, allow your decisions to reflect what will best contribute to that goal. 

Identify your obstacle.

What is most likely going to get in the way of you sticking to your essential intent?  A demanding boss?  A tantrum-throwing toddler?  An unsupportive spouse?  Endless lists of work tasks?  Plan ahead for these obstacles and seek to address them in advance.  This preventative approach will save you from reacting in the moment to urgent interruptions. Create a routine that will help you avoid doubt or questioning your priority.

Pause before saying “yes.”

When someone makes a request of you, don’t automatically say “yes.”  This automatic response feels polite and avoids conflict, but you may regret it later.  Either tell the person you’ll get back to them or take 24 hours before you respond.  During that time, consider whether saying “yes” will support your essential intent for the week.  After some time has passed, if your response is not a 100% “yes” and in alignment with your essential intent, then the answer is no.

Give a clear “no.”

While it can be difficult to say “no,” communicating that no is more effective than a noncommittal yes where you will avoid or have difficulty with completing the task.  McKeown offers several ways to say “no” in the book, some of which involve suggesting another person who could complete the task, creating a compromise, or using humor.  Regardless, know that saying “no” will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it becomes easier. 

Celebrate.

Any change you make toward creating your one essential priority is worth celebrating, even if it feels tiny.  Find a way to celebrate the small victories.  Using this form of positive reinforcement helps you give yourself credit for changes you make.  If you deal with anxiety or depression, giving yourself credit as an important part of overcoming the negative messages you repeat to yourself.  Allow yourself to feel happy and enjoy the feeling of making a change.